Ronald, Francis John

Our father the Colonel, we could never use the intimate parental termssuch as Dad or Daddy as somehow they did not seem to fit the individualwhose infrequent visits to our home, seemed to have little impact on ourlives. On his part, there was little indicated desire to play asignificant role in the lives of these two boys, his sons and this fellupon our mother, his opposite in every way, a woman of great kindness andhumor, liked by everyone and a dedicated mother.

Throughout his life, the Colonel maintained his military bearing, talland straight backed, and thinning ginger hair combed straight back andcut short. He took much pride in his appearance and dressed well, andexpensively, even gardening in fawn camel hair trousers, always a neatpaisley cravat tucked into his shirt.

To the outside world he was a local success, a distinguished armyofficer popular in the local pubs, putting two boys through college, acharming well liked wife, a large house but it really was a facade. Even,I believe, his near and dear family did not see him as we did.

A small monthly stipend to our mother was to support the three of uswhilst he spent more on his clothes and his life style, maintaining adiscreet apartment in London, club memberships, a liking for good foodand wine, and worse of all gambling.

On a couple of rare occasions he took us to the Plumpton Race track,wherewe picnicked in the sun, placed small bets on horses that inevitably camelast, all very innocent and great fun, but far from the heavy bettingdone by phone with bookies who sometimes would phone demanding paymentagainst losses.

The education was paid mainly by the army and no interest was shown inour progress by the Colonel, any visits to the schools, lettersinfrequent and always signed 'from your father, Colonel F J Ronald Evenwhen he was home, he never attended school events such as plays, sportsdays, bonfires when as we looked around we saw the supportive faces ofcommitted parents and in our case, just one, there for us as always.

The amount paid monthly to our Mother was not enough for the family anddid not take into account the family allowance he received as a servingarmy officer and the large house in which we lived was rented and neededinvestment, never received, to upgrade its facilities.

Certainly, in maintaining his life style the Colonel spent much more thanhe spent on us, the family of three and even as children we were aware ofthis.

To eat a satisfying meal then catch our mother in the kitchen wipingbread around the frying pan, to catch the meat juices, because there wasnot enough money to buy the same food for herself is something I neverforgot, or forgave.

In later life when I became a member of the Junior Army and Naval Club,aswas the Colonel, I was able to see the extent of his enjoyment of life,his indulgences in fine wine and food, female companions, this life stylestarting to show in the red mottling of his cheeks and across his nose.

He was a Colonel, a well paid military status with many financialbenefits yet he never invested in the home, never bought a house, anyluxuries we had bought by our mother from monies earned in jobs she hadto take, necessary to meet the household bills. He never took us onannual holidays, or out for dinner, to the movies or went out of his wayto make Christmas or Birthdays fun. The only trips I remember with himwere to visit our Grandparents in Burgess Hill and one trip overseas toGermany, courtesy of the British Army and where we stayed in unattractivemilitary housing for two weeks and did very little much relieved to gethome.

He did not play football with us, or fly kites, teach us children toswim; he did not know where we had ability and where we had none.

One time, he took us to watch the Changing of the Guard, from his officein Whitehall and here he was in his element, introducing us around tofellow officers the picture of the proud father and it was for two smallboys an exciting day, the gleaming breastplates and wind blown plumes onthe helmets, the precision of movement, the diminutive figure of theQueen erect upon her horse but it was just one day, never repeated, a daywhen paternal contact could have been made between us, but was not.

As I grew up I lived with the Colonel, after my brother departed toAustralia as did our mother, I drank his wine, ate his food, persuadedhim to buy me a second hand motorcycle, later a car done with nocompunction or guilt because I blamed him for my brother and I growing upbasically in a one parent home, missing out on the support yet at thesame time I tried to get him involved in my life, my ideas, my desiresfor the future but there was no interest.


The Colonel fell ill, he died and was buried with the pomp that he wouldhave chosen and enjoyed. His coffin carried by members of the RoyalSussex Regiment, eulogy by a well known comedian, Laurence Percival. Thelocal newspaper wrote a flattering article describing his militarycareer, his talent as a painter and a cook, mentioning so briefly that hehad 2 children.


To me it became clear that he was a very lonely man, that he had missedmuch that could have made his life more productive and certainly muchhappier. In the last few meetings, on trips to the UK, I had with him hewas struggling to establish contact, making a real effort to be a fatherand grandfather, for the first time ever showing interest in how life wasprogressing for me and the family. Sometimes from the austere demeanor asly humor slipped out, surprising me and I felt that there was a muchmore humane and likeable man imprisoned within and unable to escape tothe outside world.

He was certainly a very intelligent man, well educated, a recognizedmilitary historian. He was an accomplished cook, most knowledgeable onwines. He was good with his hands as once demonstrated in a surprisinggift of a fort made by him, a small coffee table that reposed in his lasthome and an avid Gardner. His love of art drove him to success in hisrole as money raiser for the restoration of the arts treasuresinFlorence, damaged by the floods. This earned him the title of 'Calvierede alto merito' conferred on him by the Italian Government.A gratefulqueen gave him the CBE. It therefore is most sad that he never succeededin being a good husband and a successful father as he would have had amuch richer life.

I think a major problem was the gambling as living with him I had anopportunity to see how much of his income was paid out on his betting,little evidence of his success as a punter. He also liked theextravagancies of life, clothing, good food, club member ship all ofwhich would have been beyond the reach of a more committed family man.

Many of his colleagues had bought homes, enjoyed annual holidays withtheir families, drove nice family cars but they focused on this withoutthe same outside extravagances.

He never bought our Mother jewellery, clothes or birthday and Christmasgifts, he kept her so tight on money that she had to work outside tosupplement the household income. After divorce he never even paid her thecourt stipulated allowance so, with her usual self reliance she workedand supported herself and us.

I have two lasting memories of him. One after a pub lunch with him andSelina and Thomas, both very young, he wandered off and I found himstanding by the waters of a reservoir, almost in a trance and he lookedso sad. In fact took his picture as clearly shows his expression.

The other memory was on one of my calls to him in hospital shortly beforehe died. He asked my name and I replied 'Tony'. He then repeated my nameas a query so I said' Tony, your son in Singapore" and he laughed andsaid 'Oh the funny one!' and I hope this refers to my sense of humor andnot to any quirks in my character.

He was not a bad man, just one unsuited to be a father and husband and henever realized that actually when we were small, in those early ages ofinnocence, we were proud to be the sons of the Colonel. The sole legacygiven to me by his second wife, Jill, was a bettered leather wallet witha map of Thailand, a gift from me 20 years before and, despite is age andcondition, she told me that it had always been in his pocket. I wish Ihad known him better, I wish he could have shed that military skin,sometimes, and we could have probably been good friends.

TR June 2005

Another draft of this document received by IKM July 2005

The Colonel.

Our father, the Colonel, I could never use intimate parental terms suchas 'Dad' or 'Daddy' as somehow they did not seem to fit the individualwhose infrequent visits to our home, seemed to have little impact on ourlives. On his part, there was little indicated desire to play asignificant role in the lives of these two boys, his sons and this fellupon Mum, his opposite in every way, as we know a woman of great kindnessand humor, liked by everyone and a dedicated mother.

From school master to soldier, soldier to fund raiser he departed as hewould have wished with a formal funeral and with an apparent life ofsuccess behind him.

Throughout his life, the Colonel maintained his military bearing, talland straight backed, and thinning ginger hair combed straight back andcut short. He took much pride in his appearance and dressed well, andexpensively, even gardening in fawn camel hair trousers, always a neatpaisley cravat tucked into his shirt. He looked every inch that of anarmy officer. With a keen interest in the supposed Scottish antecedent ofthe Family,he often would wear a M......... (reference to tartan?)

To the outside world, he was a local success, a distinguished armyofficer popular in the local pubs, putting two boys through college, acharming well liked wife, a large house but it really was a facade. Even,I believe, his near and dear family did not see him as I did.

A small monthly stipend to our mother was made to support the three of uswhilst he spent more on his clothes and his life style, maintaining adiscreet apartment in London, club memberships, a liking for good foodand wine, and worse of all gambling. He received a formal familyallowance from the Army as never reached Mum, School fees was paid by theArmy.

On a couple of rare occasions he took us to the Plumpton Race track,wherewe picnicked in the sun, placed small bets on horses that inevitably camelast, all very innocent and great fun, but far from the heavy bettingdone by phone with bookies who sometimes would phone demanding paymentagainst losses. Living in his home, later, I often was the initialrecipient of calls from bookies.

As said, education was paid mainly by the army and no interest was shownin our progress by the Colonel, any visits to the schools, lettersinfrequent and always signed 'from your father, Colonel F J Ronald'. Evenwhen he was home, he never attended school events such as plays, sportsdays, bonfires when as we looked around we saw the supportive faces ofcommitted parents and in our case, just one, there for us as always.

The amount paid monthly to our Mother was not enough for the family anddid not take into account the family allowance he received as a servingarmy officer and the large house in which we lived was only rented andneeded investment, never received, to upgrade its facilities. Mum had towork to support us, keep food on the table, and give us luxuries atChristmas and on our birthdays. From comics and small gifts on Sundayvisits home after church to clothes, to holidays these came from moniesearned by Mum.


Certainly, in maintaining his life style the Colonel spent much more thanhe spent on us, the family of three and even as a child I was aware ofthis.

Rental of 27 Vicarage Walk, the family home was ?2 more a month thanfather's private I bedroom apartment in London. The housing allowancefrom the Army was actually more than the rental of the Vicarage Walkhome. The family allowance paid by the army was more than the monthlyallowance paid to Mum .In May 1962, Mum wrote to the Paymaster Generalasking for an update on family allowance. As a result, her monthlyallowance from the Colonel increased by 1/3rd.



To eat a satisfying meal then catch our mother in the kitchen wipingbread around the frying pan, to catch the meat juices, because there wasnot enough money to buy the same food for herself is something I neverforgot, or forgave.

In later life, when I became a member of the Junior Army and Naval Club,as was the Colonel, I was able to see the extent of his enjoyment oflife, his indulgences in fine wine and food, female companions, this lifestyle starting to show in the red mottling of his cheeks and across hisnose. I saw Mrs. Sitwell and his other companions in the club bar, duringmy use overnight of the bedroom facilities available to members at lessthan hotel prices.

Mum married father because in a letter to her, dated January 16th1940,he stressed that he was to be sent overseas unlikely to return, aletter now in my ownership, begs her to marry him and like many women sheagreed, in similar circumstances, and like many whose husbands returned,she lived to regret it. In fact, remaining as a staff officer, father'sexposure to war conditions was minimal although he did serve in Franceand with credit, earning a mention in dispatches, and he proved a coldand distant husband, preferring the company of other women and his fellowofficers.

I quote:

Peggy my dear,

War calls for sacrifice and I expect to be drafted soon overseas and likeso many of my fellow officers, may never return, gladly laying down mylife for King and country.

I am extremely fond of you and beg you to consider us getting married sothat we can enjoy some bliss together before the fatal day comes.

Married to you will give me more courage to do my duty when the timecomes.

Affectionately
John

They married on the 18th March 1940, in the Church of St Thomas More,Seaford. Rev. RG Webb officiated and witnesses were John Thomas Ronald,Francis J Ronald, Hollis Breadon Coulhurst. Deputy registrar was GeorgeHenry Charles Bishop.

They were divorced on the 14th day of November 1963 under the auspices ofthe High Court of Justice, probate, divorce and admiralty division decreenisi 1597 no 7250.63 this taking effect,3 months later, on the 18th dayof February 1964.

The divorce based on desertion by Mum for a period of 3 years and notcontested.

Mum started to actually hate him when, he did his best to prevent herfrom visiting her beloved brother, a highly courageous Wing Commander, inthe fore front of aerial warfare and who died on a mission over Germany.I am sure Father was jealous of the affection and jealous of thereputation of her brother as a true hero eventually winning,posthumously, the DFC. In a letter, dated June 11th, now also in mypossession, the Colonel rants on about Wilfred, the relationship and says:

"As your husband, I forbid you to visit or have any contact with yourbrother, Wilfred, as he is irresponsible and not a good influence on you!You will obey me or I shall take appropriate steps"
John

Written across the letter in Mum's writing it says:

'Bloody Bastard'

Wilfred was a dashing, air force pilot who passed out of RAF College withhonors in 1933, typical of the pilots of the era who spent so much oftheir life, in the air, on dangerous missions, with a high death rateamongst them as tendered to make them more wild living when back home,never knowing when they would go on a one way journey.

Interesting, as at the time the Colonel was having an affair with a(Mrs.) Eleanor O'Neill, her husband, a Major in a Transport Unit, (thewife living in Burgess Hill), transferred abroad to France and I am notsure why he resented his brother-in-law so much because it did divert theattention of his wife away from his activities.


He was a Colonel, a well paid military status with many financialbenefits yet he never invested in the home, never bought a house, anyluxuries we had bought by our mother from monies earned in jobs she hadto take, necessary to meet the household bills. He never took us, saveonce, on annual holidays, or out for dinner, to the movies or went out ofhis way to make Christmas or Birthdays fun. The only trips I rememberwith him were to visit our Grandparents in Burgess Hill and one tripoverseas to Germany, courtesy of the British Army and where we stayed inunattractive military housing for two weeks and did very little, apartfrom a day in Wuppertal, much relieved to get home.

He did not play football with us, or fly kites, teach us children toswim; he did not know where we had ability and where we had none.

One time, he took us to watch the Changing of the Guard, from his officein Whitehall and here he was in his element, introducing us around tofellow officers the picture of the proud father and it was for two smallboys an exciting day, the gleaming breastplates and wind blown plumes onthe helmets, the precision of movement, the diminutive figure of theQueen erect upon her horse but it was just one day, never repeated, a daywhen paternal contact could have been made between us, but was not.

As I grew up I lived with the Colonel, after my brother departed toAustralia as did our mother, I drank his wine, ate his food, persuadedhim to buy me a second hand motorcycle, later a car, done with nocompunction or guilt because I blamed him for my brother and I growing upbasically in a one parent home, missing out on the father's support yetat the same time I still tried to get him involved in my life, my ideas,my desires for the future but there was no interest.


The Colonel fell ill, he died and was buried with the pomp that he wouldhave chosen and enjoyed. His coffin carried by members of the RoyalSussex Regiment, eulogy by a well known comedian, Laurence Percival. Thelocal newspaper wrote a flattering article describing his militarycareer, his talent as a painter and a cook, mentioning so briefly that hehad 2 children.


To me it became clear that he was a very lonely man, that he had missedmuch that could have made his life more productive and certainly muchhappier. In the last few meetings, on trips to the UK, I had with him hewas struggling to establish contact, making a real effort to be a fatherand grandfather, for the first time ever showing interest in how life wasprogressing for me and the family. Sometimes from the austere demeanor asly humor slipped out, surprising me and I felt that there was a muchmore humane and likeable man imprisoned within and unable to escape tothe outside world. I remember once he joked about his escape from theGermans, saying that when they awoke in the morning their captors haddisappeared, forgotten them or deemed the 'catch' not worth keeping.

On another occasion, creeping back home in the 'wee' hours of the morningwith a friend I woke him up and he came downstairs at 2 am dressed in amorning suit, posing as my butler to produce coffee and biscuits. This tome was the man inside, less austere, a good sense of humor struggling toget out.

He was certainly a very intelligent man, well educated, a recognizedmilitary historian. He was an accomplished cook, most knowledgeable onwines. He was good with his hands as once demonstrated in a surprisinggift of a fort made by him, a small coffee table that reposed in his lasthome and an avid gardener. His love of art drove him to success in hisrole as money raiser for the restoration of the arts treasures, inFlorence, damaged by the floods. This earned him the title of 'Cavalierede Alto Merito' conferred on him by the Italian Government. In fact, hedisplayed artistic merit with several credible paintings. A gratefulqueen gave him the CBE, the Lord Mayor of London, a Gold Medal. It,therefore, is most sad that he never succeeded in being a good husbandand a successful father as he would have had a much richer life. Whetherraising monies for damaged art work, for charities, for organizationssuch as BUPA, he displayed sound business acumen, judgement and skillsand all credit was due to him for the success he made outside the army,post retirement.

Sometimes it is difficult to reconcile his two sides - the successfulmilitary officer and fund raiser and the dilettante, absent husband andfather.



An interesting letter from Grandmother Protheroe to Mum dated Jan 14th1973 says. Quote

Dear Peggy,

I have lately felt I must put right something I should have done a longtime ago. You should have left John as you did, you should have divorcedhim, you had plenty of evidence.

He must have been a swine in bed.

I remember Enid coming round to me (she lived in the little flat withjasper) she said you were throwing everything you could lay your hands onat him. I do not think you ever slept with him again.

I won't go on but you had to borrow my sheets for the beds, and the onlyblankets you had were army ones he must have filched. I was so cross withyou leaving him and taking the boys which you intended to work for andkeep. I had always been taught that marriage was for as long as you bothshall live, but now things are more reasonable. Its ten years since I waswith Josie and I received the Colonel's letter. I was in the kitchenmaking food. Josie was sorting the mail in the hall when she called howlong has
John been calling you My Darling.

Don't be silly I replied read it, and this is what she read.

My Darling, the Queen has had a rush of blood to the head and endowed mewith the CBE. I celebrated last night with the boys but kept a specialbottle for us whom I will drink from your slipper, my darling.

I enclose the key in case I am not there to meet you.

Your devoted John.

It was quite clear what the clever man had done. He had been writing andused the wrong envelope. It came by sea with a 4p stamp. I said I wouldburn the letter but Johnny said keep it and here it is.

He was a real rotter and will come to a sticky end but they say-the devillooks after his own. Anyway although it is late in the day I shall sleepbetter. I should have done this at once.

Love mother.

The letter should have gone to Mrs. Sitwell father's mistress. The keywas for his small but expensive apartment in London. The 'Boys' is notreference to me and my brother but to friends of his.


I think a major problem was the gambling as living with him I had anopportunity to see how much of his income was paid out on his betting,little evidence of his success as a punter. He also liked theextravagancies of life, clothing, good food, club member ship and thecompanionship of young, vivacious women, all of which would have beenbeyond the reach or desire of a more committed family man. In fact, thisfollowed exactly the life style of his father and grandfather both ofwhom ran dual lives

Many of his colleagues had bought homes, enjoyed annual holidays withtheir families, drove nice family cars but they focused on this withoutthe same outside extravagances.

He never bought our Mother jewellery, clothes or birthday and Christmasgifts, he kept her so tight on money that she had to work outside tosupplement the household income. After divorce he never even paid her thecourt stipulated allowance so, with her usual self reliance she workedand supported herself and us.

I have two lasting memories of him. One after a pub lunch with him, on avisit to the UK by ourselves, and Selina and Thomas, both very young, hewandered off and I found him standing by the waters of a reservoir,almost in a trance and he looked so sad. In fact, I took his picture asclearly shows his expression.

The other memory was on one of my calls to him in hospital shortly beforehe died. He asked my name and I replied 'Tony'. He then repeated my nameas a query so I said' Tony, your son in Singapore" and he laughed andsaid 'Oh the funny one!' and I hope this refers to my sense of humor andnot to any quirks in my character.

He was not a bad man, just vain, one unsuited to be a father and husbandand he never realized that actually when we were small, in those earlyages of innocence, we were proud to be the sons of a Colonel. The solelegacy given to me, as eldest son, by his second wife, Jill, was abattered leather wallet with a map of Thailand, a gift from me 20 yearsbefore and, despite is age and condition, she told me that it had alwaysbeen in his pocket. I found this rather touching.

Both parents have now departed, both passed away with sickness and painand perhaps, at the end, they had a chance to look back on their livesand feel some sense of regret for what could have been, opportunitieslost, actions regretted but this we will never know.

Received by IKM from (John) Tony Ronald in July 2005